If you’re one of those people who says they thrive in the winter, one of those people who says things like “Oh, I’d rather be cold than hot any old day,” then I don’t want a thing to do with you.  I’m sorry, but five Chicago winters have made me anti-cold weather for all time.  Yeah.  It only took five.  I’m a weenie.

I’ve always hated cold weather, but this is ridiculous.  Every morning I look at my little weather bug, and it gives me extremely disappointing news.  The ten day forecast might as well predict snow and/or rain every day, every single day in March.  I haven’t seen a clear sidewalk in weeks.  I take that back, I saw the edge of some sidewalk a few nights ago on my way home, and I thought, all right!  We’re making progress!  Then it snowed overnight, and I stepped out my front door into a few inches of fresh white fluff the next day, and barked a string of expletives that caused my neighbor to peek out her window quickly to see why a filthy-mouthed sailor was standing outside.

I meant what I hollered.  I’m done with snow, and ice, and ice that is covered with snow, and walking in tire tracks in the street because the sidewalks are inaccessible.  I’m sick of turning corners and getting blasted so hard with arctic air that I almost fall over, so hard that it makes a thwacking sound against my jacket.  I’m sick of my landlord cutting back on the heat, thinking that since the season is technically changing, the weather is following suit.  I’m so sick of slipping and falling and cursing my neighbors for neglecting to drop one single chunk of rock salt on their sidewalks.  I’m sick of salt stains on boots and the sound of people sniffling on the bus, I’m sick of my friends punking out at the last minute on the weekends because “It’s too cold to go out!” I’m sick of walking like a penguin in an effort to not slip and crack my head open on the curb.  I’m sick of being snowed in and frozen in, because that means I have to try really, really hard to ignore television, Netflix, email, AIM, and all of the shiny things in my apartment if I want to get anything written.

I am officially going to war with winter.  I’m not sure how I’m going to execute my first attack, as this is turning out to be a David and Goliath situation.  If anyone has any ideas, let me know.  If you would also like to take a shot at winter, get in line.